(As promised, here’s my teenage daughter’s rebuttal to my iPhone 4S whining. Added bonus: she threw in a rant against her brother’s Droid 4)
Listen to your favorite new song by that British boy band you and your friends have become recently obsessed with stream out of your pocket. Fumble around in your pocket until you pull out your phone- streamlined, smooth, made of metal- classic and practically indestructible-but you keep the adorable designer phone case on it anyways. Slide the lock open to answer the call, talk to your best friend as she moans about how she knows no boys.
Decide to get some homework done while she mumbles on- email your french teacher about the new french vocabulary and your math teacher about that simple interest rate equation that nobody on Facebook can remember- as you’ve already checked multiple times in your super-secret group you set up for your class 5 minutes before. Finish talking to your friend and then send your mom directions to [another school] — she’s picking you up there later after the winter play.
Get on the bus ride home- the 6th graders are having a bus party and offer you a cupcake. Someone has their radio and you decide you love the song they’re playing. Go onto iTunes, the largest database of music for mobile devices in existence. Buy the song, it downloads in seconds. You also have a second copy on your computer automatically, just in case you need some homework motivation later.
Open up Pages, and continue writing that English essay that you started last night on your computer- finish it and save to all your devices. One more thing done.
Listen to music from Youtube — and play Temple Run, your new favorite game, at the same time. Get totally distracted from the awesomeness of the game, until Siri reminds you to get some work done, you idiot. Go to the [another school] play and get totally lost on campus.
While jogging through buildings you don’t recognize, tell Siri to text your friend for directions. The text is sent easily, and Siri calls you cupcake, making you smile. Finally get a call from your friend who goes to [another school], he gives you directions and you make it on time.
Enjoy the play, switching your phone to silent with a flip of a conveniently located switch on the side of your phone. Download all the pictures you took on your phone to Facebook. Show your friend that dress you’re planning on wearing to her Bat Mitzvah next weekend using the Nordstrom App. Take silly pictures with friends at the cast party with your amazing camera and make them your wallpaper for your phone, making you laugh every time you take it out. Get an email from your friend- your skit for drama class has been chosen for the Arts assembly this fall. Yes. Beat your friend in words with friends. Double yes.
Go to bed feeling giddy.
Hear the cliche wind chime noise emit from your phone- well, it could be yours, but who knows? everyone you know has the exact same ringtone. Curse under your breath as the awkward lock- 9 circles- won’t open because you’ve forgotten your overly complicated lock pattern. Again.
When and if it finally opens, see the cliche wallpaper on your phone- weird black and grey lines- your phone obviously trying to cater to the overly “manly” and wannabe gangsters. You groan. You’d change it to one of the pictures you took with your friends last weekend with Apple Photo Booth, but you can’t connect your phone to your Mac. You also have a horrific camera, so that keeps you from making it anything cool either.
Waste way more money than you should because you have to re-buy every piece of music that you have on your computer. Accidentally log yourself out of your father’s Spotify account and mope. You have no music. Try Youtube, but you can’t do anything else if you do that — the music stops automatically when you close the app. Ugh.
Try and send your sister a text using a voice command app, but it won’t work. On top of that, you can’t even find anything because it’s all jumbled together- there aren’t any categories for easy access like there are on your sister’s iPhone. Stinks for you.
Drop your phone as you get on the bus. The cheap plastic of your cheap case cracks, which you were pretending was protecting the cheap plastic of your phone, although you know it wasn’t. Try and find your Google Maps app to find your way to the Starbucks where your meeting your friend uptown today.
But… where is it? You flip through countless pages of apps that you never use and are all seem to do the same thing. You start to question your purchase of this phone- something you should have done a while ago. More than half of these pages of apps are all Verizon technical stuff. What on earth is “My Verizon”? Are trying to sell you something all over again? ugh. And what is “Let’s Golf!” ? You never bought that. And TMZ? this stinks. You have an app to turn on your vibrate… this is pathetic.
Go to bed and try to set a reminder to go to the Apple store tomorrow and get this atrocity out of your life. But, alas, it doesn’t recognize the the word iPhone. Or any of the others, for that matter. See? Even your phone is in denial.
Go to bed crying about how terrible your life is.