This is a test of the emergency relaxation system

This is only a test. You are booked on the last flight of the day out of Logan Airport in Boston to Miami, where the temperature is 80 degrees. A snow storm is bearing down on New England. If you don’t get out tonight, you aren’t getting out — there is no sunny beach vacation. The plane is overbooked and filled with crying kids. You load on like sardines. You have an aisle seat three rows down from a lavatory. The plane is loaded. you sit. You sit some more. You sit even more. Time is ticking. The pilot comes on and says that the lavatory toilet is clogged and he can’t take off. They open a door in a side of the plane and bring in a hose. You and 299 other passengers hold your breath. On the third try, they succeed. Doors shut. Airborne. Arrive in Miami an hour late, taxi to gate, plane stops. You sit. You sit some more. ten minutes go by, 20 now. The pilot comes on and says that there is no gate crew to let you out and he is mad. You wait even more. They get a crew and let you off the plane into the cool but not too cool night. The first person you see upon entering the terminal is wearing shorts. This has been a test of the emergency relaxation system. It was only a test. Had this been a real relaxation emergency, you would have been informed where and when to take a chill…